Motivationsschreiben Uni in China Melde Dich an, um diesen Inhalt zu abonnieren 0

[SchnatterNatter 361]

Heyho,

ich muss einen motivational letter für mein Studium in Shanghai schreiben. Habe mal einen ersten Rohentwurf gemacht und da hier ja ein paar Cracks dabei sind, könnte ihr mir bestimmt helfen

EDIT: unten das aktuelle!

Subject: Letter of Motivation

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen of Tongji University,

I am a highly motivated and diligent student of Business Administration and Engineering in Berlin, Germany.

Already before my apprenticeship as an Industrial Engineer, my interest in technical and economical interrelations was highly distinct and I took the decision to combine Engineering and Business Administration in my future studies.

My will to conceive complex economical and technical issues as well as the joy of education paved my decision to attend my studies at the HTW Berlin in October 2009, when I was also granted a scholarship from the Festo Education Fund.

My first contact with Tongji University was in 2007 when I read an article in a German magazine about your College of Automotive Engineering, led by your Prof. Dr. Yu Zhuoping. I was exalted by the professionalism and the strength of purpose the institute still puts into the development of environmental-friendly technologies.

During my further enquiry about Tongji University I discovered as well that your School of Economics and Management belongs to the most renowned faculties in whole Asia and cultivates relationships with some of the most famous universities in the world.

When I then noticed that Tongji is also a partner of my favored university in Berlin, my decision where to attend my studies was made.

My ambition to study in Shanghai at Tongji is furthermore strengthened by my personal interest in cultures out of Europe. My biggest passion is travelling and I cannot wait to experience the way of life and culture of the biggest nation in the world by my own.

My main interest besides attending the university’s courses is to learn about the Chinese Language and history, as well as how public transportation and students promotion work and also how everyday-life feels in one of the most advanced and biggest cities in China and the Asian world.

I am sure my admission to Tongji would greatly add to my personal and educational development and I am sure to enrich the universities classes and the student’s community in a mutually beneficial way.

I really look forward to hearing from you and remain

Sincerely yours,

Kann man das grob so schreiben? Passt das für ein Motivationsschreiben? Was sollte man dazutun, was sollte man lassen?

Vielen Dank!

November 22, 2010 bearbeitet von SchnatterNatter

[JohnAntony 235]

Anrede: Entweder Dear Sir or Madame ODER Ladies and Gentlemen (ohne Dear).

Rest guck ich später mal durch.

Lg

[Gast 11223344]

Find ich noch nicht gut. Also du solltest es dir grundsätzlich von einem muttersprachler durchlesen lassen der sich auch mit bewerbungsschreiben auskennt. Gewisse formulierungen klingen etwas unbeholfen auf englisch weil du die deutschen spracheigenheiten wörtlich ins englische übersetzt.

davon abgesehen hebt dich dieses motivationsschreiben nicht ab. kurz gesagt: es ist langweilig und du bleibst nicht im gedächtnis. das was es ausdrücken soll, deine motivation, kommt nicht bei mir an. warum GENAU magst du dein gebiet, was hast du bereits gemacht das dieses interesse bestärkt hat, warum GENAU china (deine begründung find ich schwach. zur not erfind was, das macht man so ;) und was macht die uni für dich interessant das du bereits gelernt hast und dort vertiefen kannst zb. dass die eine anerkannte fakultät haben wissen die bereits. deine ausbildung kannst du viel besser melken, stell deine praktische erfahrung da und vielleicht was genau dich im studium fasziniert hat und warum deshalb gerade die uni für dich interessant ist. also ich finde da kannst du viel mehr draus machen. die struktur kann man auch stark verbessern. im englischen sind paragraphen sinnabschnitte. du mixt deine themen zu sehr paragraphübergreifend durch. das soll einen schönen roten faden haben und die paragraphen dürfen auch länger sein.

die amis haben eine ganze industrie um diese schreiben aufgebaut. besorg dir am besten ein buch und lies dir ein paar gute durch.

[SchnatterNatter 361]

Hey, danke für deine Antwort! Korrekturgelesen wird es auf jeden Fall noch mehrfrach von meinen Internation Business Dozenten. Ich wollte nur erstmal ein Grundgerüst, da ich (auf Englisch) noch nie so ein Schreiben verfasst habe. Ich habs mal umgeschrieben und meinem Englischlehrer vorgelegt:

Subject: Letter of Motivation

Ladies and Gentlemen of Tongji University,

As a student of Business Administration and Engineering in Berlin, Germany it gives me great pleasure to write this letter.

Even before my apprenticeship as an Industrial Engineer, I harbored a keen interest in the interrelations between technology

and economics, and I therefore took the decision to combine Engineering and Business Administration in my future studies.

During my apprenticeship at Raytheon Company, one of the world’s leaders in advanced military technology, I gained vast

insights into how German and American operational sequences and quality management work. I was eager to learn more about

it, and have managed to deepen my knowledge in this area. Consequently I am applying for a major in Quality Management in

China, in the hope of enriching my present knowledge of how operations management is implemented in Chinese companies.

The formation of successful international teams, bearing in mind aspects of cultural variety and uniqueness, is a factor in many

professional work situations, and I would like for this multicultural framework to also be incorporated into my study experience.

When I had to choose a university to pursue my studies in Germany, it was essential for me to select one with a Chinese partner

university. China’s consistent and successful pursuit of global importance and influence in science and education is an impressive

story. Its candidness to share its remarkable ancient and present culture with people from all around the world is a virtue which

I highly cherish, and, one which I would like to embrace.

When I noticed that Tongji University cooperates with HTW Berlin, I remembered my first contact with Tongji University in 2007,

when I used an article in a German magazine about your College of Automotive Engineering, led by Prof. Dr. Yu Zhuoping, for

some project work at vocational school. I was intrigued by the professionalism and the strength of purpose the institute still puts

into the development of environmentally-friendly technologies and how well the cooperation with German companies works. As

this contact between the economic and technical units during research and production is one of my great fascinations, I am

confident that your renown School of Economics and Management and your technical departments would greatly enhance my

current knowledge and education.

My ambition to study in Shanghai at Tongji is furthermore strengthened by my personal interest in non-European cultures. My

biggest passion is travelling and I am eager to experience the way of life and cultures of the largest nation in the world.

The main interest I pursue in addition to attending the university courses is learning Chinese Language and history. Moreover, I

find issues such as public transport, students advancement, and everyday life crucial in Shanghai, one of the largest most

advanced cities in China and the Asian world.

I am sure my admission into Tongji would greatly enhance my personal and educational development and I am sure to enrich

the university’s classes and the student community in a mutually beneficial manner.

I really look forward to hearing from you in due course.

Sincerely yours,

November 24, 2010 bearbeitet von SchnatterNatter