Well, where do I start? Since this blog is thought to be read only by and for myself, I will certainly write down my thoughts without any former background information.

These days've just been rattling me, for a while. No, for a very long time. I don't know when it did start, after the day I became lazy and ignorant? Ignorant about myself beeing unconquerable, after I've deflected the hard way. Is it that the good way? I must not become equal to this way, but come on, to be honest, stop lying to yourself... you know the hard way is good for you. Why? Hard ways are always've been given you a reward, THE reward. You do remember? Yes the feeling of success! Write it down for big bro! SUCCESS! Imagination, diving you into deep, returning to mind, reexperience it...

Or did I start to lose myself after these days, those in which the laziness was going to indulge me slowly. However, the date approximately may not be important, let's say the darkness embraced me' bout two years ago. The laziness...I don't even know if this word exists. Even tho I am smiling now, for sure about this word. What a stupid word. Visual malodorousness, for my eyes, for myself.

It came slowly and I didn't expect that my situation would become this far. This worse, this stranded which keeps my eyes peeled yelling at me how flat i am on one's back.

But...Yet, everytime I rised again, and again and again. I ain't no coward. Haha, somehow my scenary sounds like Rocky Balboa IV. He is a great man, a great character with no doubt having a strong-willed character. And yes, I am inspired by him, not only but by alot of other strong-willed characters. I ain't no coward. Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up. A great philosophical statement.

I am drifting away. The point what I want to say, is that I was giving up myself, I was enjoying life, enjoying life with a very great of price I had to pay. I had to make sacrificies and yes I AM admitting it, it was not worth it. But you know what was worth it? It was worth that fate was kicking my ass, letting me to suck my up to myself. Fate broke my nose, my skull and my mind but for heaven's sake he brought me back down to earth aswell. Adversity is the school of wisdom. I will NOT give up and I will NOT commit the same lapse, I will NOT fail.

I was rebeling, rebeling against myself, my life, my university, my friends, my ex relations and against those which I regret the most, my parents. My rebel was the subconcious expression of my fear and my darkness. I know that my parents do love me in every single moment as a whole. If you ain't trust your parents, who can you trust then? Embrace yourself my brother. You need to be greatful to the persons who've been the only one ever having the will to accept you just such as a whole as you are. I am grateful and undescribable happy to my parents; and I DO promise that one day I will certainly treat them to wealth, happiness and harmony. If someone deserved it, then my parents. After all these years what they have done for me, settled up the future my entire life and secureness. Yes I do, I do love my parents <3.

I promise, I will try my best to be a better son due my behaviour to my parents.

It is fear which let me awestruck, depression, self-doubt, anger, sadness and despair which controlled me. Beyond words, but I guess you know the feeling. It's a vicious circle and I need to break out of it, seeking for break of dawn. And you my dear friend, only you know which is the right way to find the right way out of this circle. Yes...you got it, it's called Studiousness. Stop the laziness and you will stop the Fear.

Stop the fear and embrace yourself! Don't fear it, you have to face your own anxiety, fight for it and fight for yourself! My brother, I am here for you, whenever your will and seek is wishing I will be here for you as your backbone. So trust and let yourself go. I will support you, you will support yourself, your mother, your father, your whole family, your friends and all the other people outstanding are all willing to abet you. So what are you waiting for?

Yes what am I waiting for?!

My expectations've always been overheading me. Now I do know and accept the fact that building up myself needs time. Step by step. You ain't change the past, but you got your choice for the future, your future. So friend, brother and my consciousness. Break of dawn, head for the sun, the light and energy. You ain't give up on anyone, but least on yourself! You ain't no coward. Stop the fear, stop your rebel and embrace yourself. Acceptance and studiousness will help you.

Don't be afraid.

My first work is done, for now. This essay is my present for you and only you.

Best wishes,

yourself